Thursday, April 24, 2008

willing and able

Today was the last day of Liam having two parents home all day, every day.

He and Gabe have done some serious re-bonding since our move. Where he used to come to me for most of his comfort, Liam now will reach for his Dada (sometimes even whispering "da-da-da-da-da..." which is not on purpose but still really adorable) and he's more willing to cuddle with him than he was before, and he's always looking for Dada for a smile when he knows he's been cute. They "talk" to each other. Liam rides Gabe's shoulders. It's great.

What's also great is that Gabe has a job now! And we're very very happy and thankful about that. I'm just getting the heart-quickening anxiety much like I had a couple weeks into my maternity leave when Gabe was about to return to work, leaving me alone all day with my baby, when I still wasn't sure and confident enough to feel like an adequate mom. Of course I was. I nursed him. I cuddled him. I rocked and bounced and swayed with him. I read him books. I kissed him over and over and held his little hands and told him I loved him in every way I could think of. But I still cried when he cried. (Those hormones!) I still worried when it seemed like he was crying for too long. I still felt like a failure that he cried at all because even though babies do cry and that's ok, as a new mom it's heartbreaking when you can't make all of your baby's discomforts, pains and fears and everything else they cry about just go away.

Liam is older now. He crawls and stands and cruises and laughs and plays by himself. He can tell me with facial expressions and baby words if he's not happy, without crying. But he still fusses. I still can't read his mind. I am nervous all over again about being alone with him all day. And I feel real lame about that in a big way.

With all of the time Liam has spent with both of his parents, most notably his dad, this month, I am afraid he is going to get really tired of all of his mommy time, really quick, and give me a really hard time about it. And refuse to be as happy and content as he's been.

I do know how lucky I am to be able to do this. To be able to spend this time with him. To reconnect with my baby and take walks and read books and play on the floor and go visit local farms and relatives and lakes and stores and his Grandmere and Grandpop. I want this.

I wish I felt already that I could do it.

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