overthinking it

I really hate the children's show Max and Ruby. It's awful and the characters are annoying and no matter what Nick Jr. tells me about it supporting "problem solving skills" and "how to be the most obnoxious you can," I'm not buying it. It's useless to me and I don't let Liam watch it very often. Usually if it's on, it's because I didn't change the channel fast enough or I turned the TV on and there it was, or Gabe put it on because he forgot about my No-Max-and-Ruby rule.

Here's the way I see it. I don't know how old Max is supposed to be but given how complicated and mature his noisy toys are, he's old enough to speak more than one word at a time and to follow Ruby's simple directions. The reason he is so ill-behaved is because he's being raised by his stupid bunny sister. Ruby is spread thin, between gardening and Bunny Scouts and band practice and school (I assume she goes to school but without parents around, who knows? She might spend some of days growing weed in the attic or playing violent video games or posting inappropriate pics of herself on the internet.)

OF COURSE Max doesn't listen to her. She's his sister, not his mom, and he knows that. OF COURSE Ruby is so particular and and impatient. Her little brother is a little brat and not only does she carry the burden of gardening and Bunny Scouts and band practice, she also has to cook for, bathe, discipline, educate and put her pesky little brother to bed. Those are not jobs for a sister, unless you're a Duggar. She should be allowed to be a child.

And why hasn't their grandmother called CPS yet??? Or taken them into her home- seriously?

thankful: Gabe and Liam

I am thankful for these two guys.


I am thankful to be married to a man with an open heart and an open mind, who still likes to cuddle on the couch and spoon while we're sleeping and who tells me he loves me several times a day. He happily plays and wrestles and builds towers and castles and highways with his son and he takes care of the bathtime and bedtime routines. He's helping to raise our son to love and understand and learn, to be strong and kind and funny. He makes me laugh and laughs at me even when I'm being a silly dork. He doesn't get mad when the movies I choose from Netflix are completely lame. He buys me Coke when my stomach hurts. He runs his hand down the length of my hair and tells me I'm beautiful, even when I don't feel like I am. His arms are perfect for hugging and his lips are perfect for kissing and he likes to exercise these skills.

He's pretty hot, too.

I am thankful for my son, who gives me unsolicited hugs and kisses and who asks me if I feel better when he knows I have a headache. He tells me he loves me and asks me to read to him and wants to know everything about the world around him. He likes to cuddle and will sometimes just rub my arm or my knee while we are sitting quietly on the couch. He likes Queen and David Bowie and loves to dance and sing. He uses his imagination and finds magic everywhere. He likes my drawings and tries to draw like me. He likes to watch Full House and he tells me what happened on Wonder Pets if I have to leave the room. He eats hummus and veggies and fruit and cheese happily, and asks for his juice to be watered down when it's too sweet. He enjoys being outdoors and gets excited to learn new things about nature. He smiles for me and enjoys my company and makes me a lucky mom.

And he's totally cute!

Thank you, Gabe and Liam.

the grossness of being young

Today, Liam picked a booger out of his nose and was so grossed out that he tried to put it back in.

Halloween

So, I know it happened over a week ago, but here's my Halloween post.

For a while, it was decided that Liam would dress for Halloween as Max from Where the Wild Things Are. It's one of his favorite books, he loves the Scholastic video version, and it thrilled him to watch trailers from the recent Spike Jonze feature. He was also in love with the Arcade Fire song from one of the trailers, "Wake Up," and often requested it for kitchen dance parties. While hiking, he once asked me to walk like a Wild Thing, so together we put up our claws and stomped through the forest, growling and saying, "I'll eat you up, I love you so!"

I planned on making the wolf suit myself, which would have made me pretty much the awesomest mom ever.

Then, Liam changed his mind. He still loves Where the Wild Things Are, but he decided he wanted to be a pumpkin for Halloween. This was fine, since I kept his pumpkin costume from last year and it's a one-size-fits-all-toddlers kind of design. I took it out early to get him used to it so that he might actually wear it this year, and everything worked out fine.

(He did start asking, a couple days before Halloween, if he could be Scooby-Doo. It was also his request that I dress as Shaggy and Gabe dress as Daphne, but luckily for Gabe, it was too late to change costumes.)

We practiced our Halloween greeting: "Trick-or-treat, dude!" (he'll repeat almost everything if we add 'dude' to the end- we watch Full House and he digs toddler Michelle Tanner) with a thumbs up.

I made myself some cat ears out of construction paper, wore black and we were SET.


Liam was so excited about my ears. He kept pointing at them and saying, "You're a kitty! You have kitty ears! What does a kitty cat say? Meow, meow."

We trick-or-treated at my sister's and at her neighbor's house; then my aunt and uncle and a few of their neighbors; at the local mall; and at my parents' house. Liam's new favorite thing is trick-or-treating, so it's unfortunate that it only comes once a year. He was thrilled by other kids' costumes, walking around at night, wearing a costume with me, but mostly that the phrase we practiced was MAGIC CODE for GIVE ME CANDY PLEASE and he came out with a lot of loot for a two-year old.

While we were at my parents' house, Liam spilled a cup of water on his shirt and jeans, so while his clothes were in the dryer, my dad put one of his own sweatshirts on Liam. This was also thrilling for Liam, getting to wear his Grandpop's clothes. My dad's 6'2" so his shirt was more like a blanket, but Liam loved the coziness of it and curled up on my lap like a cuddlebug.


It was like having two costumes for the night!

I still love the idea of making a wolf suit for Liam, so I think I'll make him the hood and crown for Christmas. I'll still score major Mom Points, I think.

hold me close

I'm having a hard time right now- not ever feeling rested and having a testy two-year-old whose internal clock does not recognize daylight savings, and Maine voting against marriage equality, and we have money troubles, and I hate hate hate my crooked teeth and nose, and I am dealing with some major annoyances from people in my life and I want to tell them to SHUT! UP! and I'm feeling disconnected and today I cried when Punjab saved Annie from falling off the bridge and...

And can you tell that depression is rearing its stupid, ugly, overemotional head?

Because it is.

And I have plans to have it taken care of- FINALLY- but it still sucks right now.

But tonight. Tonight I went into the kitchen for a few hours, three rooms removed from my husband and son, to work on some handmade projects to get ready for the Christmas season. And when it was getting to be Liam's bedtime I could hear him fussing as I punched holes and threaded string and drank root beer- remember that thing about daylight savings? I'm not joking. Bedtime is serious around here.

Gabe walked into the kitchen. He was carrying Liam, whose eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were flushed. I know that look. Overwhelming fatigue and fussiness. (I have it sometimes too.) "He wants a hug and a kiss from his Mama," Gabe told me.

So I took Liam in my arms. He's getting so tall and big. He wrapped his legs around my waist and draped his arms over my shoulders. We said goodnight and as I spoke softly to him, he pressed his hot cheek against mine, pushing, pushing, trying to be as close to me as possible. "Do you want me to sing you a song?" I asked. He tearfully said yes.

So I pressed my cheek into his and I rocked back and forth and softly sang a song I made up for him last year. When I was done, he just looked into my eyes and and blinked and pondered and then rested his head back on my shoulder.

In these days when I am flailing, not holding onto anything that feels real, I cry for no reason and I lack patience and I dislike myself. Simple things like washing dishes and putting laundry away and washing my hair are major triumphs.

But my son loves me very much and he needs me and finds comfort in my presence, so at least I know I am doing something right.



(And once I see a doctor about my depression, if things go as planned, I won't be overwhelmed by just waking up every day. And I'll be doing SO MANY THINGS right.)

(And Liam will still matter the most.)

five

This is a list of five careers I would pursue if life was long enough, I had the capacity to learn it all and I was 18 again.

1. art teacher
2. marine biologist
3. sex counselor
4. nutritionist
5. obstetrician/ gynecologist


Not that I want to be 18 again, gawd.

Are there any career fields you yearn for that are not your reality?

YES

Five years ago today, Gabe proposed to me in our kitchen.

The room was empty after we'd packed up everything we owned into a trailer attached to the back of his Bronco. I was crying and he was holding me because I'd just said goodbye to my parents and my younger brother. Gabe and I were about to move to Texas, and even though it was mostly my idea, I was feeling really sad about leaving my family and our cute little apartment and our beautiful port city.

Then he was telling me how much I mean to him, that he was thankful I was leaving this place I love in order to experience living in the place he grew up, and how he always wanted to be with me and do I know how much he loves me?

Then he was down on one knee asking me to marry him. And I cried more and said yes and we squeezed each other and giddily took a bunch of self-portraits that no one else will ever see because we were totally sick with colds, exhausted from packing up, and I was not wearing makeup and we looked a little like death.

The important part is that I said yes.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

such positive press!

I do love the Daily Show.

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Maine: the way life should be! Unless you're gay.

As you've probably heard by now, civil rights were put on the ballot here in Maine for yesterday's election, and 53% of Mainers chose to repeal the law recognizing same-sex marriage that Governor Baldacci just signed in May.

a) The public should not be allowed to vote on civil rights. There is too much prejudice, and not enough education.

b) I have not heard a single argument against same-sex marriage that is logical. The campaign against marriage equality was won because of LIES, fear, religion, ignorance, homophobia and so-called "tradition."

c) I'm embarrassed and ashamed of 53% of my state right now. I know full well that Mainers are not generally seen as wordly, open-minded, educated people who accept and welcome diversity. Maine was set to shatter these stereotypes and make an example for other states to stop deciding what a family is in the eyes of the law. Today, we are still toothless lobster-cracking moose-hunting cousin-marrying banjo-pluckers. Ayuh!

d) This IS NOT OVER. Discrimination has to end, and it will end.

I have a lot more to say about this. I am disappointed, I am sad and I am on fire. So, right now I'm going to cool down and spend some time with my two-year-old son, who has more compassion and logic in the bottom half of his right leg than what a little more than half of the state has in their whole bodies.

home

I am SO CLOSE to having our bedroom all unpacked and properly organized and livable, which is pretty awesome since we've been living here for a year and a half already.

I know, I can't believe it either.

This is the biggest apartment we've ever had, but it's also set up funny, since it was sectioned into an apartment out of an old farmhouse. I love this place, but it (and my landlords) can drive me nuts. NUTS, I SAY! With such little storage space, clutter is inevitable and never ending.

Give me another couple weeks and some more clear plastic storage bins, and this whole place could be top notch. I'm so tired of feeling like we're still in transition, but I'm getting closer to having a place I can be very proud of, that feels and looks like home. I'm thinking CHRISTMAS PARTY.

Does anyone have any tips on how to place wall hangings (picture frames, etc) without putting holes in the walls? My walls are so big and bare.

Reason #572 Why I Love My Husband

Today at work, Gabe was pushing a cart full of files down the hallway to pass on to the next department, and he had propped open a set of doors because he had to make a couple trips. The doors are in a section of the hallway with a corner, but he wasn't rounding the corner; he was going to pass straight through the doors.

He stopped when he heard people coming towards him up the hallway, so that his cart and the women would not collide. The women didn't know he was there, but saw the doors propped open and one of them snipped, "Geez, that's dangerous, those doors being open like that."

Then they rounded the corner and Gabe smiled and said, "What's that?"

The woman tried to play it off like, Oh, I wasn't just being bitchy about something as insignificant as doors, fake-chuckled and said, "Oh, just the open doors being dangerous."

Gabe asked, "What's dangerous about it?"

"Well, if I wasn't paying attention, I could walk right into them," she said, like duh.

Gabe told her, "The dangerous part would be you not paying attention."


I love my husband.

*

Suck it, pink eye. (That sounds gross.)

So, Liam's fever?

Pink eye.

Yes. Conjuncti-frickin'-vitis. Because he didn't JUST heal from surgery on both eyes and have to endure two weeks worth of eye drops and ointment.

Conjunctivitis.

He is inconsolably miserable. He still has a fever, can barely sleep, he has no appetite, he has a cough and runny nose, and he keeps telling me his eyes hurt. This is the sickest he's been so far in his life, and it sucks big time for all of us.

It's hard to watch your two-year-old child in so much pain and discomfort and know you can't do anything about it. I can help him wipe his nose, I can rub his back when he coughs, I can cuddle his when he's not burning up, and I can give him popsicles. I can administer Tylenol and his new prescription eye drops. I know that I'm doing what I can and that he knows it's not my fault or anything. But it's crap, not being able to DO anything, like wave a magic mommy-wand and make it all go away.

What I want to do is take it all away from him and deal with it myself. I'm an adult and I've been through that all before. I've had pink eye, scarlet fever, colds and flus, migraines, random and unexplained bouts of puking, sinus infections, pregnancy and childbirth and fourth-degree tearing, surgery, a urinary tract infection, strep throat, shingles. All of it and more. And maybe I'll get the pink eye again anyway because it's so contagious. I just want him to get over this NOW and we can move on because that sad, tired, helpless look in his bloodshot blue-gray eyes BREAKS MY HEART. And he keeps looking at me.

The worst is the eye drops. Do you know how you give eye drops to a strong and willful toddler who hates eye drops? You pin them down against all their strength and pry their eyes open, and they're crying and struggling the whole time, then they squint really hard as the medication spreads and stings across their eyeballs.

That's how. It's the worst.

Conjunctivitis can kiss my ass.

KISS. IT.

updates

I was going to go back and do things right, and write up enough posts to fill in the big gaps and date them according to when I should have written them, but that's not going to happen.

It's 12:41 a.m. on a Monday, and Liam's been a little weird today (well, Sunday) and then sprung a fever and promptly went to sleep- and then woke up, blinked miserably on the couch for a couple hours, then got all goofy and hyper, and is now lying in bed with Gabe trying to fall back asleep.

That is what I can deal with right now, not months worth of blog posts.

Quick(ish) recap:
1. I got to Brooklyn and back safely even though the giant cargo van I was driving was incredibly difficult (needed an alignment) and intimidating. I didn't get to see a lot of New York, but I did see the Statue of Liberty in the distance as I was driving into the city and I shouted, "OH MY GOD THE STATUE OF LIBERTY!" even though I was driving alone.

2. Gabe's brother and his wife visited us from Texas for about a week in July, the week following my return from New York. Uncle Chase and Aunt Theresa are now high on the list of Liam's favorite people, and he still talks about them and their visit! We did have a great time and I loved having them here.

3. Another week or so after that, Gabe's mom Kay visited us for three weeks, and his sister Jules was here for two of those. Nana and Auntie Jules are also some of Liam's favorites and out of the blue he'll say things like, "Nana lives in Texas," and "Auntie Jules fly on plane."

4. Between those visits, we went to the beach a few times (ocean and lake), the New England Aquarium, the Maine Wildlife Park, a local farm, and the Old Port, and also dedicated Liam at the East End Beach in Portland.

5. During Kay and Jules' visit, Gabe and I celebrated our third year of marriage! We dressed up fancy, at sushi at Sapporo (which we also did on our honeymoon) and went to the Nickelodeon to see 500 Days of Summer. It was our best date ever.

6. After my in-laws had returned home, I started preparing madly for the Picnic Music and Arts Festival in Portland. The festival was on September 12 and it rained, but it was a great learning experience for me. I had never been a vendor at anything (except my own art shows, totally different) so it was scary and exciting but I met some really nice people and all kinds of strangers complimented me and actually bought my stuff!

7. I then spent several weeks recovering from all the stress and anxiety I piled upon myself throughout my busy busy summer.

8. Liam had eye surgery to correct his strabismus problem- it ended up being a surgery for both eyes, and I was so so scared about it, but Liam is an amazing person and it's true, so true, what they say. Stuff like this really is harder on the parents than it is on the kids. I can't express enough how strong and awesome he was. And his eyes are looking great now!

9. I've been on two Girls Night Out-type gatherings with some of my closest friends from high school, most of whom I haven't seen in years, and it was a lot of fun reconnecting with them.

Ok, I'm going to check on the guys.

I guess I'm blogging again.

*fart sound*

Oh my goodness. Hi. I'm still alive. I know, I suck at blogging. I'll get better soon.

the darndest things

This is a conversation that Gabe and Liam had recently, which I'm glad didn't happen in public but I'm blogging about it anyway because it's easier to explain in writing without stuttering and turning purpley-red.

You see, Liam comes with me nearly every time I go to the store, and if I put something in the shopping cart and he asks what it is, I'll always tell him. I have my period about every three weeks instead of four, so I buy a lot of feminine products.

They were watching a nature program on television.
LIAM: Look! A frog!
GABE: That's right, it's a frog.
LIAM: A frog in the water!
GABE: Yes, the frog is swimming in the water.
LIAM: The frog is swimming in the ocean.
GABE: That frog is not in the ocean- it's in a pond.
LIAM: Oh! Mama has a tampond!